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I wrote a review of Life
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JWB Offline
Can I get a "Bright not broken?"

Posts: 2,750
Joined: Aug 2013
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Post: #1
I wrote a review of Life
Recently, I saw the movie Life staring Ryan Reynolds and Jake Gyllenhaal. It was awful. I wanted to see it because the previews looked good and because it got a 67% on Rotten Tomatoes. (Respectable for that website.)
One thing I like doing is reading reviews of movies, and I've found it's especially funny to read reviews of bad movies. After I saw Life, I formed certain sentences in my mind about the movie and felt like I should write them. I was inspired by the bad movie. I was inspired to write a review. I feel like I should share the review with you guys. Here it is:

No, Life is not Good.
New movie from Sony Pictures fails on every level.​

Imagine ‘Alien’ with no plot and no point. Imagine a bad horror movie set in outer space. That’s Life.
Daniel Espinosa’s new film, Life, has nothing going for it. It’s the story of a group of scientists aboard the International Space Station who sift through dirt samples from Mars to find a single-celled organism that grows into a malevolent squid-like creature. The scientists try to kill the thing, but they can’t. (There, now you don’t need to see the movie. I’ve just told you everything that happens. There is literally not another plot twist to the movie than that.) While special effects were good, this turkey bombs on literally every other level, creating a disaster that is much worse than the preview trailers for this movie were promising. This is really little more than a bad horror movie set in outer space, as there is little plot, no message, nothing that makes you think, and nothing that remotely resembles redeeming social content. This movie is sunk by The unbelievability of the plot, the insane stupidity of the scientists, and its complete and utter pointlessness.
We are asked to believe that there are these tiny one-celled things that grow into nasty squids lurking in the soil of Mars and we’ve just plumb missed them. I don’t know if the producers of this movie know this, but we have studied Martian Rocks in laboratories. Samples were available to us as far back as the 1970’s from the Voyager missions. If there actually were such hideous creatures hiding out in Marian soil, we would have, you know, known about them by now. There would be evidence. You can’t hide an evil cephalopod for very long. While Ryan Reynolds stars in the picture and his brilliant timing provides for a few memorable scenes, the stupidity of his character and the other supposedly smart scientists is baffling. These Ph.D.’s try to kill the thing, and you would think that a combined IQ of over 2000 would be able to come up with a better plan than just burn the thing, or at very least realize that it’s impervious to fire after the sixth attempt to just torch the bastard. In one scene, Ryan Reynolds tries to blast it with a flame thrower. It takes a few hits and keeps ticking. After his second failed attempt to burn the sucker alive, we think he’s smart enough to realize that fire doesn’t kill evil squids. He tries time and time again to blast it with a flame thrower, to reap no results. You want to actually walk into the celluloid, rip the flame thrower from Reynolds’ hands and scream, “Thing’s fireproof, dumb ass!” After this failed attempt, the evil mo fo eats Reynolds for lunch before the first reel is over, leaving us without Reynolds’ sharp timing for over two-thirds of the picture. We actually envy Reynolds that he doesn’t have to sit through the rest of this drek-filled enterprise. Later when the thing flies into the rocket boosters, the genius scientists have another idea to kill it: Fire from the flame thrower doesn’t kill this thing; so maybe fire from the rocket booster will! Does this plan work? I suppose there’s no way for you to tell with just the information I’ve given you, that is, unless you happen to have an IQ over 50!
I know what you’re thinking: “It’s just supposed to be a dumb horror movie. Sit back, be entertained, don’t overthink it, and let it send chills down your spine and adrenaline to your heart!” However, the truth is it really failed on that level, too. It wasn’t scary. It was completely unbelievable. So unbelievable that it’s hard to take seriously. For one thing, despite having no perceivable brain, this little squid is so intelligent that it makes the Velociraptors from Jurassic Park look like dumb slugs. Despite never having contact with a human, the little alien seems to understand what everyone’s plans are, understands human psyche, understands English, and knows the layout of the ship. Some of the scenes are so ridiculous that we’re actually laughing, not gasping or screaming.
The ending is simply terrible. We think there’s going to be a happy ending when in the very last scene, the creature gives us a cinematic raspberry and we are asked to cheer humanity’s destruction. That’s a bridge much too far considering the drek-filled journey we had just been on.
The movie posters depicted a hand in a space suit as the image for this movie. I think a more appropriate image for this terrible flick would involve a hand giving a middle finger. That’s really the theme for this movie. We were given interesting teaser trailers that seemed to promise a deep, introspective picture about life beyond Earth. We were given a pointless, drek-filled romp that would make Ed Wood blush. We were promised Ryan Reynolds and his brilliant acting timing. While he was in the movie, he dies in the first reel and we’re left without his comic quips for over two-thirds of the picture. At the end, we think there’s going to be a happy ending, and we’ll be able to salvage something from the film only to find out, no, there is no hope in Mudville; humanity is screwed. Celebrate humanity’s demise. This movie promised things and delivered jack squat. It was a giant middle finger directed at us.
Send Sony Pictures a middle finger back. Skip this one over entirely.

Thank you.

"Some prisoners spent more than ten years buried in solitary cells the size of coffins, hearing nothing but clanging bars or footsteps in the corridors. They survived because they could talk to each other by tapping on the wall. In that way, they told of dreams, memories, and fallings in and out of love; they discussed, embraced, and fought; they shared beliefs, beauties, doubts, guilts and those questions that have no answers.
When it is genuine, when it is born of the need to speak, no one can stop the human voice. When it is denied a mouth, it speaks with the hands, the eyes, the pores, or anything at all because every single one of us has something to say to the others, something that deserves to be celebrated or forgiven by others."-Eduardo Galeano
04-01-2017 06:53 AM
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