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Things We Don't Understand
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Ffydwyrr Offline
Not Worth Talking To?
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Post: #281
RE: Things We Don't Understand
(10-07-2018 03:59 PM)142857 Wrote:  
(10-07-2018 02:05 PM)Ffydwyrr Wrote:  I don't understand why everyone else I know (both IRL and online) is so smart, professional, attractive, happy, and in multiple fulfilling interpersonal relationships. Am I such a horrible person that I deserve no such advantages? Seriously, what am I doing wrong?

The truth is that most people are pretty messed up and not nearly as happy as they seem to you.

How old are you? I'm guessing you are still fairly young? I know that you have doubts as to whether you are on the autism spectrum or not, but since you got diagnosed I assume that you have at least a few traits in common with the spectrum. In my case I spent years drifting through life and eventually got to a point where I was convinced that I was incapable of having normal relationships and being happy. I was kind of just waiting to die, which sucks when you're only in your mid 30s.

Then I kind of fell into my first relationship and figured things out in my own way. I bumble my way through life now, there are bright spots and not so bright spots but I've had a better life so far than I would have imagined 20 years ago so I can't complain.

What I mean is that it isn't easy being different from everyone else that you know. Seeing people your age doing cool stuff that you feel incapable of - things like having girlfriends, going to parties and having a good time, travelling, whatever. The reality is that you've got to get out of your comfort zone a bit, you can't just wake up and decide to be like they are through force of will because you are just not wired that way. But you can find your own way, but it takes time and you've got to step outside your comfort zone a bit.

Just turned 37 a few months ago, but I have it on good authority that I have the emotional and cognitive functioning of a pre-teen. I was in a short-lived Facebook relationship with a formerly close gamer nerd friend of mine, but it ended terribly and we're now estranged. I honestly didn't ask to be in a relationship in the first place, but we were both feeling more emotionally vulnerable than usual at the time, and she sorta pushed me into making a decision we'd both regret. Now, I'm feeling burned out on relationships and romance in general.

I never thought I had what it took to be a good boyfriend or husband. I'm no provider, emotionally or financially. I'm underemployed. I have no marketable or practical skills. I certainly don't have what it takes to be a good father. I'm too much of a child to make any serious relationship or family bond work. I struggle to get along with my own family. We're nothing alike. They're well-adjusted and talented and organized and prepared and even-tempered and reasonably good-looking. I'm none of these things. I thought I'd magically acquire these skills when I got older. I did not. Not even one of the above positive traits. Sigh.

Also I have a history of being physically abusive. Full disclosure.

I don't get it. Whatever I'm doing to try to fit in here, it doesn't seem to be working. Maybe I should make peace with the fact that I'm an outsider wherever I go.
10-07-2018 04:13 PM
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142857 Offline
Who's your Daddy?
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Posts: 5,299
Joined: Aug 2013
Reputation: 131
Post: #282
RE: Things We Don't Understand
(10-07-2018 04:13 PM)Ffydwyrr Wrote:  
(10-07-2018 03:59 PM)142857 Wrote:  
(10-07-2018 02:05 PM)Ffydwyrr Wrote:  I don't understand why everyone else I know (both IRL and online) is so smart, professional, attractive, happy, and in multiple fulfilling interpersonal relationships. Am I such a horrible person that I deserve no such advantages? Seriously, what am I doing wrong?

The truth is that most people are pretty messed up and not nearly as happy as they seem to you.

How old are you? I'm guessing you are still fairly young? I know that you have doubts as to whether you are on the autism spectrum or not, but since you got diagnosed I assume that you have at least a few traits in common with the spectrum. In my case I spent years drifting through life and eventually got to a point where I was convinced that I was incapable of having normal relationships and being happy. I was kind of just waiting to die, which sucks when you're only in your mid 30s.

Then I kind of fell into my first relationship and figured things out in my own way. I bumble my way through life now, there are bright spots and not so bright spots but I've had a better life so far than I would have imagined 20 years ago so I can't complain.

What I mean is that it isn't easy being different from everyone else that you know. Seeing people your age doing cool stuff that you feel incapable of - things like having girlfriends, going to parties and having a good time, travelling, whatever. The reality is that you've got to get out of your comfort zone a bit, you can't just wake up and decide to be like they are through force of will because you are just not wired that way. But you can find your own way, but it takes time and you've got to step outside your comfort zone a bit.

Just turned 37 a few months ago, but I have it on good authority that I have the emotional and cognitive functioning of a pre-teen. I was in a short-lived Facebook relationship with a formerly close gamer nerd friend of mine, but it ended terribly and we're now estranged. I honestly didn't ask to be in a relationship in the first place, but we were both feeling more emotionally vulnerable than usual at the time, and she sorta pushed me into making a decision we'd both regret. Now, I'm feeling burned out on relationships and romance in general.

I never thought I had what it took to be a good boyfriend or husband. I'm no provider, emotionally or financially. I'm underemployed. I have no marketable or practical skills. I certainly don't have what it takes to be a good father. I'm too much of a child to make any serious relationship or family bond work. I struggle to get along with my own family. We're nothing alike. They're well-adjusted and talented and organized and prepared and even-tempered and reasonably good-looking. I'm none of these things. I thought I'd magically acquire these skills when I got older. I did not. Not even one of the above positive traits. Sigh.

Also I have a history of being physically abusive. Full disclosure.

I was 36 before I had any sort of romantic or intimate relationship, so I get what it's like. You get a lot of unsolicited advice that is completely useless, don't you.

All you can really do is to focus on feeling better about yourself. Because you are depressed and being depressed makes you not much fun to be around. Getting over depression is really difficult, and no amount of urging from me is going to help. But recognise that you are depressed and try to get help, and if you have strategies that have helped you overcome depression in the past it might be time to put those into action.
10-07-2018 08:55 PM
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Genesis Offline
Globetrotter; The Blogger
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Post: #283
RE: Things We Don't Understand
I don't understand why people like me... I don't understand what makes me so appealing to them... All this time I was oblivious to the fact that another woman likes me. Because right now it feels weird knowing that two women at the same time like me. Normally I was always unaware of people's intentions... yet knowing this other person likes me is a complete surprise.

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10-08-2018 01:43 AM
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Genesis Offline
Globetrotter; The Blogger
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Posts: 8,065
Joined: Aug 2013
Reputation: 36
Post: #284
RE: Things We Don't Understand
Because over the years, I always thought no one liked me.

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10-08-2018 01:45 AM
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d_olson27 Offline
ןןɐqppo uɐ ɟo ʇɐɥʍǝɯos
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Post: #285
RE: Things We Don't Understand
I've kind of felt for a long time like I've got a lot of people fooled that I'm a good and capable person. I'm just seeing a lot of flaws in myself that several people around me are not.

Except for in my job for the longest time. Things have vastly improved there, but for years, I was kind of stuck in this position where people didn't understand why I just couldn't live up to the expectations they were placing on me, like when I wouldn't have things done for them when the first time I had heard that those things were needed was when I was being chewed out for not having them done. As a result, I was seen as completely useless.

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10-08-2018 05:06 AM
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