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Full Version: The Truth About "That": Mi Vida
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I was starting to lose my respect
for the group of people I had sworn to protect.
Rich was in a lot of pain.
I never heard from him again.
Now it was just me and Jack.
I was afraid he'd now give me flak.
Oddly, without Rich I felt oddly beret.Now I was the biggest moocher now that he had left.
I started to have doubts about autistics.
I started to believe those stupid statistics.
I tried to explain but he didn't understand.
All I wanted sometimes was ofr him to hold my hand.
When Lars was born my mood was flat.
I didn't know what to think about that.
I didn't think I could look after this baby.
Whether they'd let me keep him was one big maybe.
I thought, I can't look after this child
because my anxiety was far from mild.
Though I was just neurotic
they thought I was psychotic;
they decided I was manic,
further increasing my panic;
took away my medication for depression that I had.
This made me feel increasingly bad.
They left the Risperdal, which sedated me more.
I felt still further like running out the door
because I had no energy to look after my kid.
When we got home, when he cried I ran and hid.
Jack and his mother fed and changed my son.
I seemed to be the only one
who wasn't all there
and didn't seem to care
and was irresponsible and immature.
For that now, there ain't any cure,
but aging. And how long would that take?
That was one feeling I couldn't shake.
But like hell I was going to tell Jack that I was bad.
So I kept pretending I was nuts, insane and mad.
It probably would have been perfect retribution
if JAck were to send me to a mental institution.
He offered to arrange for me to go there
and assumed when I said nothing that I did not care.
I didn't recognize that I needed to go
so if I had said anything, I would have said no.
He said later that he didn't believe
that I would actually, really leave.
He said I did not think I was a danger to myself or others
but yet, behind my back, he had talked about those mothers
who murdered their kids. And yes, I was embarrassed to say
that the reason I wanted to temporarily go away
was that I needed to convince the whole world of my religious belief
though looking back, telling him would have been a relief.
Even though they changed my meds to something that stimulated,
even though to this family I related,
my stupid, odd religion came first on the list.
Making Jack sad even topped making him pissed.
The reason why I needed to go
no matter who and how many told me no
was that I felt that was best for them too
and that also my religion was best for you.
I told JAck fake reasons I had to go.
I would have been humiliated were he to know.
I stayed that way for five long years
until I finally gave up my fears.
The last thing to go is usually your shame.
I can finally admit how much more I am to blame.
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